


pretend it's okay

by charjace



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Canon Deaths but No Pennywise, Everyone else mentioned - Freeform, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22845322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charjace/pseuds/charjace
Summary: when you lose a part of yourself, it's hard - but it's even harder when you lose two parts
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Richie Tozier & Stanley Uris
Kudos: 22





	pretend it's okay

**Author's Note:**

> this is done in one go, slightly based on little mix's pretend it's okay.
> 
> not at all proof read
> 
> also let me know if i need to add a tag

The night was chilly as he walked down the streets, his hands deep in the pockets of the jacket he had put on as he left his home. Feet taking him down a familiar path, they’re on auto pilot as they walk him towards the bar a few blocks away. The bartender giving him a sad look before pour his usual drink and placing it in front of him, before he could even pull out his wallet the bartender is telling him it was on the house. Usually that would make him smile, but not this time. The free drink feels like pity, but he still downs it quickly and asking for another one. He places a hundred-dollar bill on the counter, “Keep going until it’s all gone.” He wants to get  drunk, he wants to feel okay again but it was hard when all these memories floating in his head.

_ A loud laugh filled his ears as he finished the joke he was testing out with his friends. Looking at the source of the laughter, he couldn’t help but smile as he saw Eddie’s face bright with laughter. The relaxation, the happiness looked good on him. God, he wanted to kiss that man, but he held himself back because he can’t know. Next to Eddie, Stan was sitting there with a big grin on his face. Richie loved these guys, with his whole heart, he loved the rest of their friends too. It all felt so natural with them all, he couldn’t imagine himself without them; especially without the two in front of him. A world without them, is a world he doesn’t think exists out there, and if it does – he doesn’t want to be a part of it.  _

_ They stayed up until they could no longer keep their eyes open, and they were all curled up together on Richie’s bed. A pile of friends together, with nothing but love for each other. _

It was hard work, placing everything into boxes. Beverly and Bill had come over to help him, no one really knew what to say, as they placed what they could into boxes. As Beverly placed the last hoodie from the drawer into the box, she busted out crying and he went over to her, holding onto her. Holding her close to him, a few tears of his own slipping down his face. Bill came over, joining in on the hug, and they just sat there for a while, holding onto each other as they cried. They were lost, they didn’t know what to do now, their compass was a mess now.

_ The wind was cold as Richie helped Eddie carry the boxes into his house. Eddie was moving in after breaking it off with Myra. Richie hated it when Eddie was with her, not because of his own feelings towards the other. No, he knew how to put that aside – he knew Eddie would find some girl he’d love, and Richie had resigned himself to that fact. He only cared if Eddie was happy, and Myra didn’t make Eddie happy. All of their friends saw it, the decline in Eddie’s presence with them. The many excuses he would use. They hated it, they all hated it as they had to watch as Eddie fell back into a repetitive situation, into a relationship that mimicked the kind he had with his mother. _

_ It had taken them all months to convince Eddie to leave, that  _ they _ were there for him. They had all been a few houses down, waiting in a car the day he broke it off. They had all went with him as he collected his things, they didn’t go as a  _ _ shield _ _ , but as back up because Eddie had it. He knew his ground, he stood it because he knew he could. _

_ Richie had easily offered up his place for Eddie to crash, had offered it before the break up so he knew that option was there from the get go.  _

_ They had finished with the last of the boxes, Richie placed the last one in his spare room – the one Eddie was crashing in. Turning around, he noticed that Eddie was in front of him, there seemed to be a nervousness in the way he moved his fingers, playing with the strap of his watch. _

_ “What’s up?” Richie asks, worry lining his words as he looks at his friend. Richie would admit this if asked, he was scared that Eddie was going to say that what he was doing was a mistake and that the was going to try and get Myra back, but that fear faded when Eddie answered him. _

_ “Don’t hate me,” Eddie starts, and Richie was going to say something but was cut off when Eddie lifted his hand to dismiss it, so Richie clamped his mouth shut. “I think I’m...” _

_ Richie watches as Eddie’s eyes fill with tears, showing he was scared of the words he was about to say so Richie reaches out and places a hand on top of Eddie’s shoulder. Giving it a small squeeze, smiling at Eddie when he looks at him, “There is  _ nothing _ you could be that would make me hate you. What is it?” _

_ “Even if I was gay?” Eddie’s voice was quiet as he let the words out, and Richie can hear how scared Eddie was of saying it out loud. _

_ Pulling Eddie into a hug, feeling Eddie’s arms wrap around his body, holding onto him tightly as a small sob left his small frame. Richie pressed a soft kiss to the top of Eddie’s head, “I could never hate you. I promise. I love you, okay.” _

_ “I love you too,” Eddie replies, voice slightly muffled because his face was buried in  _ _ Richie’s _ _ neck now. _

Sleeping alone in his house was a hard task to do, he hated it now. His home felt so empty, his life felt so empty now and he didn’t know what to do now. Most nights, he finds himself calling up Patty who always seems to be awake when he is. There are nights, much like this one where he finds himself laying in his bed with Patty next to him because she too can’t stand to be in a house that was so empty. They just needed each other’s company, and that is what they gave.

_ Richie was looking over at Eddie on the dancefloor, watching as he danced with Bev and Ben, laughing as Ben made a joke. He couldn’t help but smile fondly as he watched the other. Maybe, one day, he’ll tell Eddie but for now – he's fine just making sure Eddie was full of laughter and happiness. Stan sat by him, two drinks in his hands – he offers one out to Richie who takes it. _

_ It had been a wonderful wedding, Patty looked amazing in the dress Beverly had designed for her, and Stan looked amazing. He looked so happy and in love, that Richie wished he could capture it and bottle it up. It was so pure, and he doesn’t want to see that light leave Stan – ever. _

_ “You know, you can ask him out right?” Stan says, eyes going to where Eddie was dancing with their friends. Mike and Bill had joined in, and Patty was being pulled into it by Eddie. Stan had his own smile on his face as he watched the love of his life dance along with the other pieces of who he was, his friends. _

_ “He p-,” _

_ “Richie, he looks at you the way I look at Patty and you look at him the same way,” Stan interrupts, taking a sip of his drink before continuing on. “Love can be worth the risk Richie. Take the jump, I’ll be here for you if you fall, you know that.” _

_ “I know Stan,” Richie replies, his eyes were still on Eddie who was talking with Patty as they started to walk towards him and Stan, “Maybe I will tomorrow. Don’t wan-” _

_ For the second time in less  _ _ then _ _ five minutes, Richie was interrupted – but this time it was by Eddie pulling him out of his seat by the lapels of his tuxedo, and before Richie can even ask what was happening, Eddie’s lips were against his. It took him a few seconds, but eventually Richie kissed Eddie back and he could hear a few wolf whistles going around and he  _ _ couldn't _ _ help but laugh a little against Eddie’s lips. _

_ They pull apart, and Richie buries his head into Eddie’s chest, despite the other being shorter than him. He does after a while, look up and around at his friends. They were all smiling at him, and he loved it. He links his hands with Eddie’s smiling brightly at the man in front of him. _

Every day was as hard as the next, it didn’t seem like it would be getting better – but how would he know, it’s only been a month now. The ring on his finger a reminder of the thing he lost; of something he could never get back. Half the books on his shelf belonged to Eddie and he refused to let those go into boxes, he’ll keep them. Beverly had kept one of Eddie’s hoodies because she just needed something to hold onto, to have and he understood that. He let her have it, much like Patty let him have Stan’s  binoculars that sit on top of his bookshelf that sits in the living room.

It was hard because he swears that he can hear Stan’s laughter at times, or Eddie’s light humming as he works on writing a new piece for work. He’s going through his motions of life, trying hard to get through each day in a world that no longer has his best friends in it.

They say it gets easier, but he doesn’t believe it as he walks through his home – his heart so sunken, he’s sure it’s six feet under. Richie doesn’t know how he’s meant to do this, to go through this without Stan to help him keep in check, or without Eddie to keep him warm at night. There are nights where he calls up their numbers, just to hear their voices one more time before he’s bursting into tears and curls up on his bed because he doesn’t know what else to do.

He knows they would want him to move on, to continue his life but how can he do that? They’re not there with him, so how can he when a part of him is missing and gone? How can he breathe when it hurts to even speak? How can he write something funny when all his heart is doing is bleeding and shattering? How can he do this when he feels like he is drowning in his tears and his sorrow, how can he do it when the people he loved are  _ gone _ .

So, he goes through the motions, he pretends that he is okay. He pretends that he isn’t hurting inside as he helps Mike out on his farm. Pretending that it’s alright as he offers Ben a hand on his next job. 

Pretending that he was fine after losing two of the best people he knows within the span of a week. That the memories of the phone calls aren’t haunting him. That the sound of Patty’s voice choking on sobs isn’t heart shattering every time he hears it replay in his mind, as her broken voice tells him she had found Stan in their bathtub – dead. That he had taken his life. Pretending like he doesn’t hear that phone call over and over in his head, as it plays alongside the words the doctor speaks with a sad but mechanical tone, like he’s spoken it many times over, that Eddie didn’t survive the car accident he had gotten in three days after losing Stan.

He had lost them both, and he doesn’t know how he’s meant to go on with his life, but if he has too, he’ll fake it. Keep them in his memories, because he lives in a world where there no longer is a Stan, or an Eddie in it – and that world sucks but he’ll pretend that it’s okay.


End file.
